What is an Inner Critic?

We all have one. It forms in early childhood and stems from the feedback we get from our environment as we grow up – parents, peers at school, and the society at large. In what situations it becomes active and what message it carries depends on our experiences. For example, if we experienced bullying at school or our home environment was demanding, critical, rejecting or shaming, our Inner Critic can become quite relentless, harsh, or outright abusive. 

As we grow up, we can internalise these voices of the past into our own voice, to the point that we do not even notice how it runs a constant commentary in our heads, filtering everything we do, feel, and think about ourselves. Our Inner Critic is not always ‘bad’; it may have served important functions in the past and often continues to do so in the present, like fuelling our drive to overcome obstacles, improve our performance, and achieve our goals. However, the Inner Critic can also become our Nemesis – paralysing, anxiety-provoking and shame-inducing, sabotaging our actions, and deflating our mood.

Hence, once recognized, it might be useful to identify if that internal voice on the water is our Friend or our Foe. 

• A Foe – usually comes from the place of fear: of humiliation, being perceived as less than inadequate, a failure or a fraud. It can present as unforgiving, offensive or sarcastic, guilt-tripping or condescending. It uses a lot of “should” and “have to”; it likes comparing to others, setting unrelenting standards, and is rarely satisfied, at least not for long. If not addressed, it can lead to avoidance, procrastination, and missing opportunities, or worse: making bad decisions and pushing us to take unnecessary risks. 

• A Friend – comes from the place of self-compassion: it wants us to be the best we can be, but accepts our limitations, bad days, and our flaws. It uses “could” and accepts “good enough”. It does not compare as we all are different. It recognizes a grain of truth in a self-critical message: yes, maybe we tried to chew more than we could bite, followed the wrong line, did not listen to wise advice etc. However instead of beating us up, it focuses on what we can do better next time. Therefore, it promotes self-development and growth and knows what we need to get there: be it validation, encouragement, a gentle push, reaching out to others - or a time out, a break, some sort of self-care. It shows the ability to maintain a healthy distance and uses humour when commenting on our shortcomings.